Due to Some Unfortunate Circumstances This will be my last Public Entry, Everything Else will be for Friends only, anybody who wants to get on my friends list can Email me at Mogirl09@comcast.net or Punkerpink22@yahoo.com

Well I got a call from Christina inviting me to her yearly Christmas party...(Last year ended up playing strip poker and then blowing the transmission out of my car on purpose yeah I was REALLY drunk) but I didn't want to go by myself, so I was talkin to Ben online and We decided that we were going to go to the party together as I was feeling a little down in the dumps and needed to force myself to get out of the house. So he picked me up.

We had a Blast, the girls the boys there was wrestling drinkin too much fun! Dara and I decided that we were going to protest the not selling of Alcohol on Christmas and since she is a jew we went to 7-11 and started screaming We're JEWS!!! and the dradle song. When that didn't work we offered them money, when that didn't work we started to make out, man lame ppl that work at 7-11. But that was a lot of fun, and I think Ben and Gilbert got a better Idea of where my personality shapes.

We then hopped over to my brother joe's party, and was welcomed with open arms by his family. I pretty much abandoned ben and gilbert there and hung out with his cousins who were the shit and made me giggle all night long, and of course tommy who is Shanti's boyfriend who I love and adore for all my life. I acually didn't even spend much time with Joe but I hung out with his girlfirned and his mom and had SO much fun over there it was very very very awesome but I was fucking loaded and so was Ben. I think he was complaining about a recent hurt in an intoxicated way but I think it was good to him, cuz this morning it looked like an elephant had hopped off his shoulder although he probably was a little cruel in the way he worded his stories.. heh drunks...
Gilbert drove all three of us over to Ben's house, we watched x-2 took some Valium, and then ben and I have now adopted a brother sister relationship or maybe more of a best friend relationship and I slept in his bed with him and we kinda snuggled in his bed I was telling him a story and he passed out on me. So today sucked I was way way way tooo hung over for work but oh well it's friday...and ive had a tiring couple days and im going to sleepl....

So I have a great son, because I stayed out until about 1:30 and fell asleep, eh around 2:30. While pondering life and friendships and relationships and all that stuff that I probably shouldn't have after taking valium...

I had a bunch of strange dreams, some of them very morbid and upsetting involving most of my friends and woke up in quite a frenzy just as my sons eyes were fluttering. He was about to turn over as he usually does because he likes to sleep just like his mommy..but then that flash when into his head, oh yes it was Christmas. SO he sat straight up and ran into the living room and shouted so everyone could hear " I HAVE BEEN A GOOD BOY AFTERALL MOM SANTA DID COME!!!" Santa brought him and x-box and a bike, a big boys bike with training wheels, but of course, he was obsessed with his x-box.

So after ravaging all his presents, I took him to his other grandma's and fell asleep, and woke up and got all the happy christmas wishes

now I sit here ponder how silly the state is with their no selling alcohol on christmas. HEY JEWS FUCK OFF!!!!, it's CHristmas. You can't drink! Muihahahha. Fucking Government. Bleh anyway off to the shower I stink.

I am beat...

Worked Till Midnight...the night before then had to be at work at ten..worked until 7 and then partied at my parents and had somewhat of a depressing girls night at Maya's...

I'm laying next to my sleeping Child here, who will certainly wake up to discover his new x-box and Bike that he got from "Santa Clause" and be thrilled and I miss being a kid..

I have a bleeding heart, for whom, I shall not say, it is another story, , I have not known them for very long, but I think they are hurting, actually I talked to them not too long ago and I know they are, and I'm feeling their pain, and I wish I could take it away, sigh...heartbreak is a bitch. I wish I could take all my friends pain away when they feel it. I'm sorry that your heart is broken. I'm sorry that you have so much pain in your life, if you by chance read this, and I think you know who you are, I'm glad you are in my life, and I hope you know that you can talk to my about anything and maybe you can start working on learning on how to take the pain away. You are by far one of the most genuine, sweet, loving people I have ever met and you should never ever loose that. And I hope we are close friends forever. You are a rarity benzo.

Loves to my Girls, Baughb and Jen and Maya and Cari and Liz, and all the kids Ethan, Jade, Cera I hope you all have a great one. I love you all, I hope you all know that. I do not have a child tomorrow night so if anybody is bored! Call me!

Feliz Navidad!

I Re-Re Silly lines
That Made Sense at the Time
Pages All Stained With Tears and Red Wine
and I Walk through the Airport and see magaziness
Every Face That I see
So much younger than Me
and I smile to myself how I don't even miss
My glourious past or the lips that I've kissed
And I think to myself that how easy this is
Easy to breathe, easy to live

And I wonder why I tear myself in two
Over how to be, what to say and what to do
And I know you Liked me better Then
and I know you Liked me better When I was a Fool

So I live in These Days
But I still have my Old ways
Cause the Future somehow has yet to arrive
and I see around me the women on time
Kids and Divorces and Crises in my life
and do I surrender and Give up my dream
For a brick in the wall and a washing machine?
Grow up and get real
for a kid in their teens
who won't care what I've done
Where I've been, and what I've seen?

I'm Free To a Fault
I'm Singing
I'm Living My Life
Fly Down the Highway
Sun On My Face
I belong to nobody
I belong to No Place


God Johnette I Could just Fuck your Lyrics...God I need to go to sleep...ugh...
I belong to No Place

There never seems to be enough of it...

Two days off hah! Sure didn't seem like it, I haven't even gotten to work and I am so tired already. Oh well. I wake up, take care of the things that I must do before going to work, go to work till midnight and repeat and rinse. Ugh, I am only frightened of when school starts next semester so I can add class and HOMEWORK into the mix, oh well, I'm just bitching, I need to learn time management, maybe I'm just too tired, Christian needs to stop waking meup so damn early.

You arn't depressed, you need anger managment! When
you lose it (which tends to be quite often) you
can hurt many people without even thinking
about it. Sometimes your lashing out can hurt
you more than anyone by losing you friends and
possibly some freedom. Go stick your head in
the freezer for awhile, you hot head!


Are you depressed?
brought to you by Quizilla

Much fun was had..despite my crying..which was needed...

To know that this was the time of the year that I had the close friend that did end his life two years ago..the type of male friend that I could just snuggle with and tell him everything that was wrong in my life, and he would tell me that it was going to be okay..I started to think about it, and how I didn't have a man like that in my life anymore...and suddenly I had never felt so alone before...So I cried a lot, rather uncontrollably, it wasn't because I was drunk, because by the end of the night, I was almost sober, I didn't even wake up with a hang over. I was just so incredibly alone.. Sullen..

The comforts of those around me were nice, Don especially, and to him I extend a warm thank you, Sparky, Liz, Maya, Eli, Ben they all asserted their friendship and in my state it was so hard to explain my intense sadness and despairity and pessimisism in my emotional future. I think i'll always have good friends, I wonder if I'll ever have an emotional connection again. I do feel so alone.

But the party was awesome, I was very intellectually stimulated by all of the wonderful people I knew and all he people I met, I had came with Maya and Ben and I know they enjoyed themselves very much so. Liz was truly a great host, a Christmas party not to be forgotten, nor the drunk carolling, I think that was one of my favorites. So I just wanted everyone who was there last night to know, that despite my emotional weirdess I enjoyed everyone.
And a special thanks to Liz for throwing the party of the Year.

heh, I'm such a wuss bunny. I so should not go drinking even if I have to go to work at 3pm. Yes I called in, but I think that's becaues I didn't even get any REALLY productive sleep until 9am.

I cannot tell if I'm loosing weight or not, because I think the scale is depressing and counter productive but jesus, I have always been the girl who could survive in sub-zero termperatures, baughb can vouch for that but i have to serously layer myself everywhere I go, I am so damn cold all the time, and My underware falls off so maybe that's an indicator, who knows, I'm gonna go on the liz diet of smoothies and small snacks throughout the day!

but I had a great day of laying on the couch and napping with maya all day long, seriously that's all we did, I think when we were awake we ate and tried to watch tv untl we fell asleep again it was g-r-e-a-t. I'm very much looking forward to the weekend and Li'z party and actually spending some time with my child, I hate working, I need to get my credit cards paid OFF so i can my plan in action...

So had a great day, and the night before was a blast, I've met some great people..I fear that Leland ( I call him leon but he knows why and I know he approves) might think I was trying to take advantage f him cuz i fell asleep on him...oh well...Drunken Erns...

BTW DON you are still sexy whether you get a hair cut or not!

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I am getting up to start my day...

I am going to start myself to get ready...bundle up, I imagine it's cold, I now have my full stash of hockey jersies at my house, yay and my snow boarding jacket. Here's to layering, ain't it great, why the fuck is is it so god damn cold outside.

Soon after getting myself dressed and looking, well decent enough to face the world at least, I must wake up my son who has decided he likes to sleep UNDER his bed, which i guess is kewl, it's one of those trundle beds, where you're supposed to put another bed but there inst one there so he made anoher bed himself bt it's a bitch to get him out of there when he desn't want to come out, and he's just like me when he wakes up. Nuff said for all those who know me as a morning person.

Theeeen it's off to the pedatrician oh yes, today is the day of the well child check up, where my son gets his flu shot, chicken pox vaccine and every other vaccine he needs, he doesn't know he's going today but im pretty sure he'll figure it out pretty quick and there is gonna be kicking, screaming, crying, and mom turning a light purple color.

Then I gotta go check out a new preschool, get him enrolled to start tomorrow. Drop him off at his grandmothers and then go to work by 3 and work until midnight. Oh man, I love my life, I think at one point I may just drop dead right here from exhaustion.

I am sad today...sad and very angry actually....

Don't you hate those people, who do things for you, really nice things for you, and then when you kinda get irritated at them they go " Don't you remember when?!?!?" Yeah, well I don't want to be that way, but I feel that way. I feel without many friends anymore, I feel that I give way more, than I get and that maybe just maybe I should just accept that fact and stop giving and accept the fact that I will not have friends....

This conversation seed started while I was on the phone talking about drinking and driving, and the whole designated driving thing, you see, I know that If I don't drive there is only one person in this whole world who will come pick me up. Baughb...Really... she's really been the only person who has kinda returned everything that I've given in a lot of ways...

I feel very used...I think that I'm a maintainer, that I do try to help everybody I can, whether I know them well or not, out of being good and expecting nothing, and I hate that I feel this way, and I don't want to feel this way, but I feel like I've put so much and invested so much into people and most people wouldnt piss on me if I was on fire, and that makes me cry. I long for companionship, intellectual intercourse. I'm fine by myself and most of the time i can occupy my time with a good book or writing or watching movies.

I guess it shouldnt matter to me, I'm going to have to go into forced isolation anyway, cw is still bringing christian to the trailer and forcing Christian to lie about it, so Im gonna have to file for full custody, royal fuck him over and become life less friendless and completly useless from this point on, so I guess I should get used to it. Maybe Ill just try to stop caring now, maybe I'll just try to stop helping or giving so when they don't call you to hang out when they say they will while they're in town for a few weeks, or someone says thingsthat you never said, it doesn't feel so bad. I don't know. All I know, is that I'm terribly sad, I've been the bad guy before, and I don't remember feeling this sad. so Maybe it's not all so bad being oh so bad. All I know is that i've gotta stop being such a sucker, because I think maybe that's what I'm getting a reputation for. *shrug*

.......Alll I want for Christmas Is an Intel Centrino Laptop That Fell Off A Truck.....


....... That Felll Off a Truck.......


.......That Fell off a Truck.....


.....Alll I want for Christmas is an Intel Centrino Laptop That Fell off a Truck.....


....So I can Have a merry Christmas!.......

I am 23, god that seems so old to me now. I was diagnosed when I was 14. I have gone through many a major life crisis. Most recently with my my husband of a year and a a half, and boyfriend for nearly 6 yrs, with whom I lived and supported, Would have let me die in the hospital alone and really did not care enough to pack up the weed, not the paraphanalia he was smoking out of before his son woke up; or for that matter before he passed out on the floor. Great.

So my life fell apart. I fel into a deep depression and basically slept for nearly two weeks...I only got up for bathroom breaks and to tried to be social go to monday night football, or kareoke to make an honest attempt to be happy as I know you can force yourself out of depression and then I would get home...then back to the couch to sleep. I didn't eat much either, mostly yogurt and crackers.

My mother gave me an opportunity. Instead of being defeated I could stay for free at the home until I had cleared up my credit. Get myself together. I said no at first. That was a Sunday.

But, I'm straying off my Bipolar story, I feel the need to tell it, because it is indeed at the top of my head now. I am a BiPolar II

I am dismayed at the number of descriptive things about it on the internet. Lists of symptoms and plenty of BPI stories. I guess I felt maybe I could help by adding my own.

People with BPII have a big problem. I mean, BPI is hard to argue with....if you have acute psychosis or delusions it is hard to explain those away. But for BPII the trouble is more that you have very intense emotions and you are constantly caught in a struggle. Sometimes I can't honestly explain how I feel. It leaves you miserable and confused.

The outright clear signs are easy enough. The money spending, talking, being oblivious to distressing things...those things I mentioned were all there. But while I may have occasionally seemed a little over enthusiastic or eccentric, most people would not have called me "crazy."

For me the illness takes away my balance. I am at it's mercy emotionally when I am not on meds. I can't describe how intense my feelings are. It's like the illness is more of an emotional amplifier for me. Anger feels so violent inside...happiness is more like sheer elation. I feel emotions like some people taste food or hear sounds. They are tangible.

I am very talented. I can sing, write, I'm a pretty good photographer. I have been an A+ student before. I have great people skills...and people generally like me. Not your typical nut huh? But I am the typical nut...at least the typical BPII variety. That is the hard part. Everyone, including me sometimes, wants to find everything but the dog to explain away my troubles. No one wants to believe that a well-rounded, intelligent person could get this illness. If they accept that they just might have to accept that it can happen to anyone...including them.

So I struggle. Sometimes the struggle is with the illness. Days of sobbing, irritability, rage....irreverent laughter. Other times it is with accepting I have it...or helping someone else accept I have it, or that they have it. Having to defend my illness....imagine that. Defend my right to be as crazy as the next guy, insisting I have an illness I don't even want. Now THAT is crazy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BAUGHBLING!*&$(@*#$&(*$&(*@%&(*&@$(*@&$(*&@($*&@(*$&(@*$&(@*&



HEY HEY IT"S YER BIRTHDAY WHOOOOOOOPPIIIEEEEEE



okay birthdays suck, but it's still nice being told :)

mogirl09 in five years

Occupation: Unemployed Coder

Prized possession: Microsoft spouse.

Favourite film: Star Wars Episode VII: An Odd Peace

Age difference: Five years older.

LiveJournal Blurty Neither Fully coded by ianiceboy

Who were you in a past life? by Kat007
Name:
Birthdate:
Favorite Color:
Country:
You were most probably:	Albert Einstein
If not then you were:	Just another face in Japan
Created with quill18's MemeGen!

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE ME
01 - Debt
02 - Loneliness
03 - Karma

THREE THINGS I DON'T UNDERSTAND
01 - Republicans
02 - Racism
03 - Math

THREE THINGS I'D LIKE TO LEARN
01 – To Ride Motorcycles
02 - Russian
03 – To rebuild Old Cars

THREE THINGS I AM WEARING RIGHT NOW
01 - Glasses
02 - Necklace
03 – Tank Top

THREE THINGS ON MY DESK
01 – Dvd Burner
02 – Egg Nog
03 – X2 X-men United

THREE THINGS I WANT TO DO BEFORE I DIE
01 – Backpack through Europe
02 – Sleep with a hockey player
03 – Graduate College

THREE WAYS TO DESCRIBE MY PERSONALITY
01 - Manic
02 - Caring
03 – Friendly

THREE BAD THINGS ABOUT MY PERSONALITY
01 - Depressive
02 - Materialistic
03 - Drunk

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE
01 - Irish
02 – Scottish
03 - Texan.


THREE THINGS I LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 - Ankles
02 - Tattoos
03 -

THREE THINGS I DON'T LIKE ABOUT MY BODY
01 – Everything Else ...
02 -
03 -

THREE THINGS MOST PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU
01 – I really do have quite a bad temper
02 – I used to hate sports
03 – I’ve Met Al Gore

THREE THINGS I SAY THE MOST
01 – “Gah, I hate Life”
02 – “That Sucks”
03 – “I dunno”

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO
01 - Dallas
02 - Denver
03 – New York

THREE NAMES THAT YOU GO BY
01 - Ern
02 - Tyler
03 - Elow

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE OR HAD
01 – Femme Fatale
02 – Briar Rose
03 - Glynis

I'm an apparently intelligent, liberal, tight as fuck, relatively well adjusted human being!
See how compatible you are with me!
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